Literary Ramblings 2002

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Here you will find Little stray bits and pieces that I wrote, some are poetry or short stories, some are just random thoughts. They are my thoughts, views and opinions.

Ramblings

 * Shattered Glass
 * Basically Human
 * As She Sits
 * Translation
 * Not Exactly Scared
 * Out Of Time 
 * Ghost Philosopher
 * Cold As Ice
 * Caught Out
 * Hurting Myself
 * Love To Be Crazy
 * Gone?
 * Beautiful One
 * Trying To Say It
 * Excavating The Past
 * If I Never
 * Rainbow Chameleon
 * Twin Souls
 
* New Canvas
 * InJustice
 * The Rebuttal
 * Beloved Mine
 * Casket Lies

 * Ramblings Archives 
 * Ramblings 2001
 * Ramblings 2002

 * Reminiscing  
 ** When You're Small

Angel Speaks
 * Nammu
 * Life Dancer

  Added the Reminiscing Section which isn't a section yet as there is only one piece here.  It's a nice little story of my childhood called When You Are Small.

  Ramblings list for the Year 2002 started and more to follow. The links to ramblings from 2001 and the Archive ramblings have recently been added.

  There is rather alot to read here and you may not get through it in one sitting. The more recent postings have red stars by them.

  Archive ramblings: A list of general writings, by title.  Each one is dated on the individual page. They are in no particular order as they don't relate to each other for the most part. They make up the ramblings that were written before the year 2001.

  The newer postings will always be added to the top of the list. And have red *(asterisks) next to them. They will also indicate when an older section has had something new added.

  The section called Angel Speaks here, is a project I did some time ago. I only have two pieces posted so far, so will add an explanation later. They may someday have their own page but I have to dig through older notebooks to find more of them.

Shattered Glass                            9-19-02

Too precious to hold, too exquisite to let go.

Shattered glass
like precious diamonds
glittering in the grass
broken relationships
piled on the concrete
waiting to be swept
up
swept, 
away
beautiful facets
tiny little rainbows
of yesterdays
possible tomorrows
today lies
abandoned
like trash
too dangerous for children
consciousness calls
for closure
to take the time
to clear away
clean it up
ask the question
is it too shattered to repair
can the heart survive
all the implied despair
mended to live and breath
or tossed aside
as unrealized dreams.

Basically Human                         11-25-02

The paralyzing stillness of fear
you try to define
and mislabel
as contentment
or beauty

but one forgets to breath
which is not good
and should clue you to the mistake
that once again
it is fear rearing up

how many years
unnamed, renamed
purposely ignored 
or filed away as unimportant 
non-existent

I remember saying I have none
how foolishly naive
how spiritually immature
how basically human

oh it rides, and it waves
it wanes and grows force
it sits quietly inside me
waiting for a new opportunity
to show me
it has gone no where

A new day to greet
an old friend
a silent comforting embrace.

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As She Sits                     10-25-2002

I sit above the world
suspended and your words fill me
my sunset sky
dusty shades of purple and pink
I imagine mountains rising
as I sit here and think
filled with wonder still
that birds fly so high
ordinary small creatures
who do you think you are
Mr. Jonathan Livingston Seagull
I pull from the angels 
who say
some people look for God
as if he might be lost
This is my city
filled with music and song
my heart lifted
soul expanded to include
all for which I long
Ah, yes, my music
my song
my walk of destiny
praying my karma is good
clear, steady and strong
and that my good fortune
my good will
will profoundly effect us all.

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Translation           07-12-02

La sonrisa en tus ojos
abraza mi corazón,
mi amado , mi mundo
Mi amor es fuerte
como el viento
que dobla la rama
pero no lo rompe,
suave y sedoso
como el cesped
nuevamente
nacido bajo tus pies

Tu cara brilla como el sol
pero tu ausencia me destruyey
cada día aparte
se destiñe mi memoria
y esta pasión negada
quema la alma que (me) duele
en el cuerpo
como tu frecuentas los suenos
de cada nochey
cada pensamiento del día.

Yo lo digo que le amo
Je le dis je l'aime
Lo dico l'amo

I tell him I love him
many times in different ways
and I know that he knows
and he feels it
and he thinks it
but he can not say it
will not say it
and my smile is gentle
as I pull away
my whispered words remind him
that the day will come
when I will need to hear
those words
from his own lips.

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Not Exactly Scared                  11/11/02 

Scared?
Who Me?
No, I'm not scared
terrified is more the word
not as if this is brain surgery
just a new step
a new twist to the same old path
I toe my way along
a seemingly jagged edge
am I not the mistress of change?
should this not be a cake walk
why do I feel so unprepared
why do I feel so alone
the faces of my life changing
morphing - almost the same
my clothes changing
awkward, no longer fitting
shoes pinching my toes
ouch, ouch, ouch
I want to go back
I want to tuck myself in
sleep, dream, just 5 more minutes
Oh, mother, if you were only here
but I can't go back
so I inch my way forward
holding my own hand
in the darkness
being my best friend
and my best friends friend
perhaps I am not so alone
after all

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Out Of Time                    7/22/02

"It was the shortest piece of forever, I ever spent time in."

Out of time
in more ways than one
seems only momentary
13 days or 1 sedentary
old waltz's
sweet saxophone whispers
you linger like an old lover
touches filled with hunger
light as the breeze
pages blown from neat organized piles
across perfect manicured lawns
a single candle flame
on an old wood table
palm trees and wisteria
pine needle and ash
as time goes by
dancing cheek to cheek
hand on the small of my back
slow, tender, gentle movements
remembrances of a lifetime from lifetimes
lived only days ago
wishes and dreams tangled 
so certain was I 
with barely a handshake
not even a kiss goodbye
I watch my ship set up sail
hear the music play on
long to dance again
on other distance shores
many other times,
with you
my friend

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The Ghost Philosopher - Manifesto 1/25/02

Who (who, who, who, who)
What (what, what, what, what)
When (when, when, when, when)
Where (where, where, where, where)
Why (why, why, why, why)

Who (I am)
What (hu-man, wo-man, no-man)
When (now)
Where (here)
Why (it is as it is)

Pilfering the soul
in search of fate
courting destiny
dividing the mind
to conquer 
the self
sheltering the heart
effectively closing it off
from others
shielding our eyes
with blinders
we pretend to not see
yet be.

Dress up our physicality
and become
a gender, a race
a commonplace face
we wander near
yet connect to nothing
shadow people
lost in crowds of many
unmotivated
underachieved
living a life of just
lest a justice befall
our judgments

teach and learn
from our own teachings
never freezing thoughts
closing the mind 
of infinity
boxes are as large
and empty
as one makes them
for what purpose 
must we preach
invisible in the world
who can say 
whose heart, whose mind
the Ghost Philosopher
will touch

Whose unknown lips of the future
will the words fall from
hands touched, minds shared
then shattered
crystallized images
dropping to the ground
Earth's pearls
wisdom
among the seeds of the land
left to grow wild
unattended
self-extending

the rings never ending
circle of light (sym-bol-o-gy)
of love
love fettered and denied
harvested and died
what is that which lasts
forever
dark night
sun light
moons glow but a reflection
hinting at our perfection

Separate and alone
merging minds
becoming masses
murdered
survivors never found
left over chicken dinners
old uniforms excavated
facial hair trim and neat

Is this our creation
our proud pro-creation
gambling our time
risky shades of choice
victims changing
one must remain
but blame transfers
from my face, to yours
or a strangers
unborn

saints, scholars, philosophers
defining our morals
behaving as hypocrites
a new generation
must obey
trapped
uneducated by the system
our youth struggles
for their own mind
making errors
adult hearts will not forgive
can not forgive
without loosing 
its own learned faith

chances are
chance is but chance
and to rely on luck
is to be unlucky 
and Prayer?
equal to lottery winnings
like chips in a bag
and the pot 
becomes ones own hanging
from the neck
chairs fallen over
one foot kicking

dabble not
but approach tasks 
with the entire being
committed to hand
superstitious religions
dictating darkness
submissiveness inbred
learned obedience
a will forgotten to be born
repeatedly
values questioned
heatedly 
researching history
intently
to make a stand
against bureaucracy

rebelling against the norm
less than average
different
self inflicted afflictions
from self help books
self diagnosed, no less
condemning ourselves
to penitence
for sins never committed
for who can tell 
when the rules change
and the ones who rule
are allowed to change them
to suit their needs
am I?
proclaimed insane
by the keepers of sanity

I may be gone tomorrow
today, yesterday
but the words 
and thoughts
live on
not mine to keep
nor even mine to manifest
but to impart to those
in search of answers
or more questions
for the Ghost Philosopher
passes this place by
castles forgotten
princes never to be seen
leaving only lines 
drifting in the sand
blown away 
by tomorrows chaotic winds

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Cold as Ice 07/25/02

Cold, cold, cold
as ice
no one told me ever
that I had to be nice
seemed to be so natural
this gentle giving peace
I don't call it forward
it bleeds through me
and I want so much 
to be mean,
piss on you
piss on me!
but it makes me laugh
my heart grows lighter
and I find that really
this is all I can be
I never learned
to live the lie
so if my truth hurts
then look inside
for the impurities
there is no evil here
no place to plant its seed
unfertile ground
gypsy hearted
gifted by grace 
a natural bond
body an face
I am as I am
tiny child, 
like you

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Caught Out 07/25/02

You've embarrassed me
pointing out a beauty
a perfection
I thought I had hidden brilliantly

did you never guess
don't you know why
I hide behind the dress
face printed simple
so as not to impress

too many times I sat near
engaging another ear
only to find 
my mind
was the least of their interest

so true it is
that my eyes still shine
and words when used properly
may leave some supine

all things can not be concealed
but I choose what I wish to reveal
and you have caught me out
as I stretched for just a moment
and your eyes saw
parts of me 
I've carefully tucked beneath

I blush at your words
because I am always
so cautious and sure
to keep it all invisible
buried and secure

 Back To Top 

Hurting Myself 07/25/02

What is this thing
that I have done
to myself
scar tissue
and broken glass
shattered pieces of the past
pushing through the skin
showing me I am not done
protruding from places
I prefer to remain hidden
not so painful really 
a reminder perhaps
that this is me now
and all of the me's of other times
live here as well
I want to shove things back into place
like a rubber band stretched 
unable to repair
snapped and released
but its not as easy as it sounds
tender footed steps
I inch my way
through the garbage
trash 
bagged and bound
still waiting to be found
it's all the same to me
differences remaining to be seen

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Love to be Crazy 07/22/02

Oh, if there were only a way to be so smart to be crazy and get paid for it..............


I would love to be crazy
and my punishment
would be
that I could never
leave the backyard
someone would bring me food
that I could eat
or not
someone would bring me birdfeed
that I'd fill
or not
I'd move my blanket 
around the yard
looking for or making new 
soft spots
someone would bring drinks
remind me to go to the bathroom
yes, crazy sounds nice
just me, and the trees
the birds and the bees
squirrels, and They're nuts, you know!
but I'd like it
I would have raised children like this
sitting quietly, 
listening to natures music
teaching them to play inside the mind
create, and dance, 
learn and live in joy
my world, my life
yes, crazy sounds nice
I would love to be crazy.

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Gone? 07/19/02

Gone! Empty! Abandoned! Lost!
I thought I had it
but today I looked and it was gone
I don't recall having misplaced it
am not sure if it has abandoned me
All I know is the last time I looked
I could not find it
or could not rest my eyes upon it
refused to let my eyes rest on it
chose to direct my attention elsewhere
still surprised I even noticed
to remember to look at all
there was no joy 
no admiration
no excitement
nothing here anymore
I think it has moved away
doesn't live here anymore
and I am not sure I miss it
can't remember what it was
seeming so deep and disturbing
now seems like...what was I saying?
Oh yes, nothing at all
no one lives here 
did anyone ever?
what was I saying again
oh, just that there was something
wasn't there...
or was it just nothing?

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Beautiful One 07-18-2K2

You are beautiful to me
your sweetness, your gentle strength
and you have helped me
shown me my own strength
my own beauty
I have healed old wounds
allowed to grow and shield myself
when life has been too harsh
your respect of my distance
compelling me to love you
more completely
as a mirror of myself
we have been a wonder
to my heart and eyes
my love does not die
it surrenders and transforms
I gather strength around me
ready now to grow and change again
you have given me this
and I honor it by using
the gift you have given
you will never be far from my thoughts
never lost to my heart
and hopefully never to far from my life
the sun shining on our paths
points to different directions
for our separate feet to heed
our shared journey complete
always held in my heart
my love for you 
my friend

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Trying To Say It 07/18/02

I have been trying to say something
words and images tangled in my mind
locked up and trapped in my throat
distressed and disturbed
taking the high gloss
from the beautiful thoughts
at a different time
in a different place
it might have been easier
to just show it
paint if for the world to see
but how does one share
being curled into another
head resting contentedly
on another's hip
the visible string
linking my eyes to yours
across a public table
the quickness with which
your knee brushes mine, then stays
and I find I have been holding my breath
for minutes, hours, an eternity
have I never breathed before?
the wind blows
my hair caresses
my own face, shoulders
as I think of you
a confirmation of sorts
your spirit touching me
my physical body alive 
the deepest of longings
innocent bordering on pain
still the words stifle
inadequate expression
if:
our forevers crossed
became one
every action, every deed
would honor and acknowledge
your presence in my lie
to be present with you
connect and merge
separate but the same
equally challenged and accepted
pushed but not pushed away
pulled but not pulled under
I feel in my heart
that you already know
all the things I have been
so unable to express
and perhaps it feels no more real
or quite equally as impossible 
to believe in
too similar to mistakes from the past
inside my soul though
I sense something strong and resilient
penetrating lifetimes, 
yours, mine, ours
could I be so very wrong?

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Excavating the Past 07/18/02

I am grieving
days spent in mourning
yet I was just now noticing
all the wounds of my past
doors left closed
as I pick the locks
and swing them open wide
the strangest sense of loss
is finding the losses
hidden in closets
that you thought
had been buried long ago
yet live and breath
still a life of their own
do I bring them forward?
dance with them
put them merrily back when I am done?
like treasure I can rediscover
in my future and feign surprise
perhaps this amuses others
as much as it amuses me
to be so naive and think
my house is really clean
I weed through old clothes
but goodness!
some of these items are antiques
every disappointment
every betrayal
every death, disappearance
every imagined slight
I can barely believe the clutter
has it really only taken
one lifetime to collect all this stuff?
I had a purpose for searching here
I wanted to find the fairytale 
my prince of childhood dreams
because I needed to touch that memory
and then remind myself, 
that the greater gift, 
is to return the essence 
of the story to the world 
and not covet the specifics
clearly, 
the importance is to breath life 
into the story, 
not the prince and princess
within the story
because of this 
I have wandered 
unexpectedly here
semi-lost, but not in shadows
a part of me hungers 
for those dreams
clasping them tightly, this child
the wise woman, or wiser woman
blows into the image and releases it
back to the world, 
creating and renewing
energy for failing relationships,
couples not quite too sure anymore
wisdom knows right action
even when it argues 
with emotional props, 
mental blocks
this alone helps to 
untangle the web 
freeing, liberating, rebirthing.
One might think of this as 
a selfless act
but looking closer
the act is not so pure
as it still serves my self
every time I was not wanted
has been stored here
the costumes I have worn
sheer and shorn
I gain perspective
clarity
the girl who put them here
outdated memories
friends who have faded
lovers who are no longer friends
friends who are no longer lovers
or were never lovers
motherless child now
fatherless child then 
they don't even carry the pain
the hurt from their times
just a memory of what it was
to have thought to have owned it
but never have it
power redirected 
shaken up and shaken out
as the dust flies
and settles like old skin
piling at my feet

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If I Never 06/13/02

If I ever needed your strength
if I ever needed to feel
your hand upon my shoulder
if I ever needed your guidance
today would have been 
an excellent time to make
your presence known

The blue jay squaking on my table
my cat mewling in excitement
my coffee cup refilled
I watched the accident 
as I passed by 
and gave up a pray of thanks
leaving an angel behind

Tonight as I review 
I find my day was blessed
and yet I sit and wonder
asking for more
for me, my soul
my love
I have missed your presence so
as if I had never known you

If I never asked for more
if I never said enough
if a smile had not caressed
your lips through words
I might have missed 
If my ears had never heard
the sweetness of your voice
today I might not ask
for a reminder of you

midnight past
days gone long
a winter upon my soul
missing from the song
I work it every way
to find a way to fit
knowing deep inside
that this can not be it

I slumber 'tween the dusk
of nights and days goodbyes
challenged again to see
what is right before my eyes
hungering, lingering, sauntering away
careless or clueless
punishing myself

and still I'd sit and ask
for the touching of your knee
to never have known your hand
if ever my mind were free
today I could have used you
if only to sit by me

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Rainbow Chameleon 06/11/02

I don't change for you 
because you ask me to
I change because 
it's so easy to do
rainbow, chameleon
if they only knew
they see in me their mirror
exactly as they wish me to be
but not the truest part of me
I smile alot
laugh on command
when silent you ask why
sometimes its just to take a stand
or to see if I am noticed at all
sad more often than I show
glad more so than you know
invisible I appear
and disappear 
and wonder still
do you, 
does anyone see me
am I not physical in this world
does my heart and love
not make its presence felt 
and when I am gone
then will I be noticed
not as I was
but as something
you can no longer find
something missing
a common peace of mind?

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Twin Souls April 5, 2002 

  Unborn, naked, entwined
twin souls, siblings
sharing the darkness
gaining comfort
and solace
from just a touch
not precisely joined
yet bound by the womb
hearts beating in rhythm
to mothers pulse
slightly faster
consciousness intermingling
thought combined
mind of one, two and three
me, you and we
breeding a familiarity
across time and space
until mature spirits
come together
lifetimes apart
still recognizing the bond
if not necessarily understanding
cherishing the other
with childlike trust
adored and beloved
memories flash
bath tubs filled with water
running, jumping, playing
too fast for others
too private and intimate

(
up and over )-->

to allow others to participate 
selfish, justified by self-less ego 
too innocent and pure
to know the rest of the world 
was not like this did not have this
assuming everyone 
was just like
you - me - we
long days, lazed away
head resting on another's lap
times that stood still
forever, returning now
opening doors 
where tears try
and will denies
hearts full of joy
and pain
each goodbye excruciating
wondering again
if this is the last time
the last smile
from teasing eyes
one that must last forever
until once again reunited
suffering the loss
to embrace the gain

 

 

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New Canvas
July 31, 2002  

Throwing up paint
on the canvas of my life
revealing or concealing
all the pretty colors
each representing moods
passions implied
peaceful blues
healing greens
exciting reds
mellow yellows
and all shades in between
rainbow fields
and tranquil valleys
today I dream a new dream
paint myself a new life
in or out
with or without you
with or without me
eternity captured
suspended on the brush
gods hand, my hand
words in the line
of an abstract piece of poetry
resting on a breath
exhaled through a sigh
days like today 
cherished for it's time
coveted by the soul

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The Injustice Of It All
August 1, 2002  

So unfair
you changing the rules
after I had made plans

perhaps it is only postponed
all the same 
that I experience the disappointment
resent the delay
unspoken true
but promises still
manifested then killed

why?

I am not to be punished
I deserve the very best
I put my faith and trust in you
and you hand me another test
breaking my heart
over and over
dashing my hopes
squashing my dreams

teasing my fears
to see if they will rise again
but I have to be honest
and admit this to you
that what will be will be
for I have surrendered my soul too

so strip me bare
take it all away
and I will still be standing here
a simple servant of today.

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The Rebuttal
August 1, 2002  

Look hear!
You overbearing father figure
patronizing paternity 
exalted one
promising me the world
encouraging me to dream
then stepping ever so lightly
trampling my garden
and destroying it all 
in mere seconds

What is wrong with you?!
Is this some sick perverted game?
A struggle of power between us
rich in life's dichotomy's
twisted metaphoric frames
I do not know 
whether to push my will
or let yours override

Torn up with the struggle
to fight or lie myself down
my mind the cause of most distress
as forces me to second guess
I believe 
but can not know
and then I think 
but do not understand

Is it me creating this chaos?
is my path a walk of faith?

I am tired of your testing
as if you doubt my heart
when nothing in this world is gained
unless your house 
is the place I start
so please, please, please
I ask it of you
just allow me this
a moment of respite 
a little rest and peace

Back To Top

Beloved, Mine
August 20, 2002  

Beloved, Mine
a commitment etched upon my third finger
your name from another time
pledge to, yet devoted still
I stand patiently 
outside of time
watcher and the watched
helper and the helped
twins from the womb
twins from the flame
soul outreached
learning to crawl
walk, run and play
together
I remember you now
have turned myself 
in Gods hands
silent prayers sent to angels
you live inside me
as me, yet separate
my dreams bringing you
once again
when reality keeps us apart
still my heart aches
my soul hungers
to feel your hand in mine
to fall asleep in your arms
to dream we have never
ever been so very far apart

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Casket Lies
August 10, 2002  

Sooo many things hidden
buried in box like caskets
casket like boxes
just writing the word
can stop the flow of tears
but when the pen pauses
the dam shimmers
and the water flows
the reasons why 
don't matter so much
anymore
just the unfairness of it all
keeps circling my brain
the need rising to the surface
and I push it back down
powerless to change the real
things I want
but continuing to change
the things I care so little about now
I write of dying 
of mourning
and reflect on my mother
how much easier it is
to let the dead go
because you know 
you have no control
but the living
so much harder 
thinking or hoping
yet it is just the same
I scour my dreams 
for hidden meanings
trying to twist what seems to be
a direct message
because it makes no sense
or isn't what I want to hear
I walk a fine line between
how much is said and unsaid
what I am willing to admit
or deny
how much of the lie
I am willing to choke down
the pain so intense it forces me to feel
gifts disguised in the losses
I see the ice forming 
and push it to the waters edge
resisting both the cold and the thaw
needing to feel it
but not hold it, touch it
letting it run its course
so I don't become damaged 
from the process
lyrics bring comfort and ease
but only for a time
forever, endless, restless
all I've waited for..
til mountains become valleys
I will still be loving you
yours, until time stands still
couldn't I ask
for just a little more?

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