Literary Ramblings 2003

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Here you will find Little stray bits and pieces that I wrote, some are poetry or short stories, some are just random thoughts. They are my thoughts, views and opinions.

Ramblings

 * Game Of Word
 * Just A Word
 * Tangled Mess 
 * Moonstruck 
 * Dungeons &Dragons 
 * Could Not
 * Father's Daughter
 * Wait?
 * Where It Carries
 * The Conversation
 * What A Day
 * Almost Touching You
 * The Distraction
 * Thank You
 * Seedlings
 * Revealed
 * Aw, Jesus
 * Love Is
 * Pathways of Soul
 * Beautiful Dream

 * Ramblings Archives 2 New
 * Ramblings 2001
 * Ramblings 2002

 * Reminiscing  
 ** When You're Small

Angel Speaks
 * Nammu
 * Life Dancer

  Archived Everything From 2002 and added 3 new ramblings to the 2002 archives page that I recently found.

  Added the Reminiscing Section which isn't a section yet as there is only one piece here.  It's a nice little story of my childhood called When You Are Small.

  Ramblings list for the Year 2002 started and more to follow. The links to ramblings from 2001 and the Archive ramblings have recently been added.

  There is rather alot to read here and you may not get through it in one sitting. The more recent postings have red stars by them.

  Archive ramblings: A list of general writings, by title.  Each one is dated on the individual page. They are in no particular order as they don't relate to each other for the most part. They make up the ramblings that were written before the year 2001.

Game Of Words       03-15-03

I have all these words
flip flopping around
flying through the air
like birdies in some kind
of badminton tournament
cruising over nets
of metaphor and rhyme
some snagged 
tagged
some smashed and worn
but I keep playing the game
hoping for a new way
to say something real
but the birdies they fly
and truth becomes lies
and the simplicity of it is
that nothing new can be said
from words that are lamed
stepped on and shamed
and my attempts aborted
two, love, contorted
matched and ended
to follow me 
walking away
dead like sparrows
God forgot to catch

Back To Top

Just A Word        03-15-03

She just keeps dying
again and again
like some part in some play
she plays
and is
as she dies 
reborn
skin pealing back
like new born 
no longer a baby
heart and body strong
but time shifts
and time fades
and time exists
in the mind
and she rises again
ashes to ashes
breath upon flesh
born to die
borne to death
and the real remains
with a few less stains
woman, girl, child
spirit
name
heard
same
only a word
one word
came

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Tangled Mess 02/18/03

I become entangled
wrapped up in the netting 
the lies
stifling my movements
as I struggle for release
dangling head first
suffocating in the water shed
trying to free myself
from the twinning

Wound so tight
it felt as though
the cords ran through
my mind
controlling my arms
my legs
like a puppeteer
spun, round and round
cocooned and kicking
living to rebirth

It is unclear
whether this is the trap
or the sanctuary
tiny gasps for breath
I use the little strength left
one foot flailing
against the web
stirring creatures of the deep
is this free?
is this free?
am I?
 

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Moonstruck              02/19/03

Moonstruck
Overwhelmed with double luck
cups full of joy
pleasing to the touch
dreams sipped slowly
gulping in as life
drags me through

It's the whipped cream,
you know,
and chocolate sprinkles
bringing me back for more
the ambiance too
exchanges on a personal note
smiling faces
hazelnut tortes

Little round pieces of heaven
I'm a little girl again
the world a candy store
with adult tastes
almost daily
returning me
to myself
much needed

Dark and rich
deep and true
grateful reminders
of the small things
that mean so very much.

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Dungeons And Dragons 02-12-03

I awaken to a new life
where I am an elfish princess
an apprentice illusionist
I have minor spells
but my friend is the hawk
and she speaks to me
bringing me messages
of the strangest dreams
the game has just begun
and a familiar face has risen
to my minds eye
5 new members have been brought
and the dungeon master lords
my mentor says I must lead
yet I've not played before
the die casts my strengths well
I have full endurance and aptitude
my wit is high
my only hindrance, charisma
so I am mindful as I choose
spells to enhance my charm
fascination and hypnotism
the game starts strong
and the questions remain
do I live my potential 
or fall before the others
taking us all down.

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Could Not Have Been            1/26/03 

I could not invite you
to sit beside me
in any other way
my firend
there is way too much business
too much left yet to tend
and I have cleared much of it
lest ways on my end
would I have done it differently?
probably not
because it wasn't in me
to be 
all that would have made of me
something I was not quite
an imperfect reality
but I miss things
a light I used to see
the smile, the eyes
I was captured
did you not believe?
and I have learned so much 
and so much of my world
I want to show 
yet I can not
and that is the sadness
I can't share
and I hope you will never know

  Back To Top

Father's Daughter              1/26/03

I'm always becoming
I said,
someone else,
Left unsaid.

*********************************************************

Father's Daughter

Am I
or am I not
my father's daughter?
Are my lessons not learned well
naked here before you
yet so many still can not tell
Sacred
Relationship, Partnership, Marriage
"Tutored" as wife and husband
I understand the words, Father
And my brother teaches well
but perhaps you have forgotten
that I am flesh and blood
and the words
they have no meaning
when the flesh is in this hell
I know I gain no knowledge
unless the test is soon to come
but the test that I'm enduring
seems to last beyond the sun
and I, patient as a saint
feel my faith might waver
and offer up my fate

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Wait?              01/26/03

Where is my honesty here?
Are you seeing this?
Do you note the changes
are you aware of the darkness
closing around me?
afraid I may be loosing time
Time that can not be recovered
have I done this before
sacrificed myself for another
denied my heart
because of societal rules
did I not disclose
or feel it could be done later
was there always going to be enough
if I could only wait
and did I?
Wait?
Forever?
Am I waiting still?
was it not me who didn't step forward
but someone else
was I waiting on you to decide
did you never?
was the choice always so hard
did you finally
and then we were robbed
again, and again
all I remember for sure
is the love, the joy
and how I am destroyed

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Ah, Where It Carries      January 14, 1996

Ah, Where It Carries

Go beyond the mind, 
the body, 
the emotions, 
the spirit, 
the ego. 

A place the mind can't rationalize, 
the body can't sense, 
our hearts can't feel, 
the spirit can't escape, 
and the ego has no description of self. 

We call it death, (or perhaps God) 
The only way 
we are aware of 
to reach this place. 

To say it is darkness would imply a perception of light. 
To call it a vacuum would imply there is something missing. 
Collectively, the energy can not make decision, 
nor can it differentiate between good and bad. 
Energy has no reference for judgment. 

Judgment and differences are taught by society 
therefore, the fallacy must occur prior to conception 
allowing the energy to be converted 
from fraction of the whole into an individual - a new born entity.
A freakish illusion 
a perception of separation
a being pulled apart from itself.

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The Conversation                 1-20-03

"Well, what kind of man would want to marry me anyway. I mean, look at me, I'm old and I'm fat."

His eyes grew wide as he started to laugh, "And Crazy too." He added.

"That's right," I said, "Old, fat, and crazy. Look at these gray hairs. Is that the kind of ad you would run if you were searching for a wife. Doubtful."

"No, I would want a wife whose hips were wide enough to carry children and whose breasts could feed them. I would love a woman who spent so much time taking care of other people and using her shoulders for friends to cry on that she didn't see the two new gray hairs that came in over night. I would want the woman who told me more with her eyes than her mouth ever could, whose laughter could turn every head in the room. The type of woman who was so beautiful because she didn't realize how beautiful she was to anyone else. I guess that is the kind of woman I would want for my wife."

I was listening. I heard him. How could I not. I was sitting right across from him. Besides, he is a friend. He is supposed to say stuff like this. "Well, that is all peaches and cream, Sweetheart. But where the hell are you gonna find a woman like that!"

He choked on his croissant and blew soda threw his nose. But it served him right. I didn't like his comment about my big hips and saggy boobs anyway.

--- Back To Top

What a Day!                1-19-03

Blessed I'd say
my morning
Sunday
must belong to a deity
of some sort
fresh cup of coffee
chocolate cake
jazz on the radio
and poetry flowing
as I lounge in my bed
The fire alarm sounds
annoying interruption
my nose hints at
an electrical disturbance
or a severe case of burnt toast
it matters not
I can't leave my cat
we shall both be
consumed by the flames
oh, but wait
did I not start this blessed?
well then, I should think
grace will carry me
peaceful bit of silence
finally
I fall back into my words
allowing my heart to move
my mind freely
dripping ink surreally

--- Back To Top

 Almost Touching You                         1-19-03

I don't always move with such grace
it's the signs I see in nearly every face
trips me up your words
echoing in my mind

Why do you do this to me
do it so innocently
not trying to mess with 
your peace of mind
but challenged to replace
a piece of mine

It is your arms I feel
when I close my eyes
foreheads pressed together
your inhale on my exhale
your lack of presence
as suffocating to me
as if you were pressing
in on my sanity

Why do you do this to me
do it so innocently
not trying to mess with your
peace of mind
but challenged to replace
a piece of mine

I know you carry me when I am weak
I know I give you strength
Heart and life in your hands
gentle and soft with your demands
it's oh so hard not to lose myself
not to be shattered by your life
I'm reaching, stretching
almost touching you
and you are filling me up
seeping over the brim.
 

--- Back To Top

The Distraction                 1-19-03

I have work to do
and you are distracting me
pleasantly,
I might add
and I know it is your day
but I have sat beside you
all of it
how am I supposed to be productive
attend to my livelihood
if you keep easing yourself
into me
I can sense your amusement
so you think this is funny
that I am so rattled
coming to me like a new love
instead of a friend
I have known all my life
I know I never paid attention
to you before
that I was busy
that others came before you
but I am listening now
I am paying attention
I see and hear you
loudly, clearly
but even you must know
that I can't play here
for long
but perhaps awhile longer.

--- Back To Top

Thank you?                          1-19-03

What did you do today?
besides sit across from me
help me to heal a sisters tears
Oh, that's right, you touched me
removed something next to my heart
I believe you called it poison
but I don't remember what it was now
I only recall your finger tips
brushing against my chest
the heaviness disappearing,
That I remember!
and if I think long enough
I know it had to do with my sorrow
it had to do with her tears
it had to do with my anger at you
for not moving to help
until I asked you to
Ah, the hole inside her
I recognized the chasm
we stitched it together
you and I 
made it almost new
but what remained was that 
little something I hated
a piece of ugliness 
that I could not release
I could not do it but you could
and did
and I don't feel it anymore
do you really need to hear me say,
Thank you?

--- Back To Top

 Seedlings                1/19/03

It is hot on my tongue
soothing and strong
fire in my fingers
healing something in my soul
my spirit learning to be free
unbound by this body,
my mind

Teaching me diligently
I, a slow learner
always so fast before
but your pieces
the gems
so small I can barely
hold them in my palm
I almost lose them, 
I think
but then I find
you have placed them safely 
hidden deep inside

Like seeds growing
only they have always
been there
I just didn't notice before
These new eyes are amazing
if only one person sees
what they see
I can not imagine
to what degree
it changes us both.

 --- Back To Top

  Revealed                       1-19-03

Between these sheets
I reveal myself to you
like a walking billboard
I lay my soul bare
Maroon camisole
and black leg warmers
my hair freshly washed
do you see me here now?

Barely concealed
every song reminds me
every lyric stuck in my mind
painting one of your pictures
something I can feel
A presence so powerful 
I question if it is real

But you show yourself repeatedly
catching me when I slip
and unlocking my door
all in the same breath
I am in awe
not quite speechless
you might have noticed
but unsure if my words
the meanings I really mean
show themselves
to you, to the world
so eloquently.

--- Back To Top

Aw, Jesus              01/19/03

Aw, Jesus!
You look like everyone I see
It's in his eyes
It's in her smile
It's the laughter of the child over there
Where have you come from
and why are you here

My cat calls for attention
shedding all over me
the rhythm, the tune
exquisite
Tell me about love
let's talk about me
but more importantly
I want to hear about you

I put my clothes on backward
I'm dropping all I touch
I stumble
and you are always there
catching me before I fall
making me laugh at myself
at this world

There is a beauty around me
I've not known before
and you come before me
like a servant
when I am the one who
should be on their knees
and I have yet to learn.

--- Back To Top

Love Is                01/18-03

Love is:

Gifted 
for 
giving

A
Gift
for 
Giving

It always starts
with one heart
yours or mine
not so hard
to understand

Love is a gift
for giving

Get it?
forgiving

I got it!
It's yours
take what you need
there is plenty
always more
where it comes from

It's a present
a Gift
a Moment
a present gifted moment for giving.

--- Back To Top

  Pathways of the Soul                  1-16-03

I kneel at your temple
ply me with platitude
hypocritical attitudes
as I humble my truth
positions have changed
from teacher to student
the boundaries remain
but fade more each day
time stomping past me
irretrievable moments
I bask in a glow
that moves thru me
from where I don't know
staying longer each time
a peace within the mind
holding onto nothing
recreating images
of old worn pictures
who carries who now
do I curtsey or bow
to a spiritual divinity
showing the obscenity
my throat draws tight
by grace and light
as is my only right
felt in my heart
pathways of the soul
the place that I start.

--- Back To Top

 Beautiful Dream                   1-16-03

It was a beautiful dream
rainbow filled skies
and tales full of choice
wishes and hopes
given a voice
lessons learned true
ribbons of blue
Jesus and God
all learned thru you
That was yesterday
sunny days past
to winters day wind
I question still
if the thirst will end
knowledge to be had
the good and the bad
I continue to ask
tutored as wife
to what kind of life?
I've not seen this before
to dance a different way
divine partnership?
Ha! You don't say
Surrendering my will
with each new dawn
storming the weather
the peace and the calm
creating new waves
the ocean can't tether.

 --- Back To Top

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